I really never thought I’d succumb to this, to the detestable rules and protocols that gird the publishing world to the point of encumbrance and ritual. But here I am, amazed there are so many unprofessional people out there hawking their writing like desperate merchants at a flea market.
So here are some cryptic DON’Ts by way of advice to all would-be hopefuls knocking on Five Rivers’ publishing doors.

1. DON’T submit without reading our guidelines first. They’re there for a reason. Even as a small press, you’d be stunned by the number of submissions arriving in our In Box.

2. DON’T send a print submission. I don’t want to have to recylce the paper, don’t want to be responsible for that carbon footprint, and neither should you.

3. DON’T use cutsie stationary for your email. I kid you not. Just don’t do it. A well-designed signature line is perfectly fine and quite professional, but screaming yellow background or olde tyme distressed parchment will be about as favourable as asking me to read your submission while standing on my head in the bathtub.

4. DON’T use fancy or small fonts for your email. I kid you not. Just don’t do it. Caligraphic or handwriting styles are hard to read, and if you had to slog through the number of emails I have to slog through every single day, you’d start to get pretty snarly about that sort of thing.

5. DON’T call me. I kid you not. Just don’t do it. I don’t want to hear from you by phone. I hate the phone. It’s demanding, intrusive, rude and there’s a reason Five Rivers has gone to the trouble to facilitate email communication. And further, most especially do not have a relative call me on your behalf, on a Sunday, before 9:00 a.m. or after 5:00 p.m. on any day. Really. I’m not kidding. I may just hang up on you.

6. DON’T Google-map Five Rivers’ address and show up on my porch, manuscript clutched to your trembling breast. Really. I kid you not. Just don’t do it. I don’t take well to solicitors of religion and cost-savings measures on my doorstep. Just how well do you think I’ll receive a hopeful author? Really. I’m not kidding.

7. DON’T tell me you’re not going to submit a synopsis because the magnitude of your opus is just too expansive and would take too much time to write. Really? And just how much time do you think I have to spend reading this opus given you care so little for your work that you won’t invest the time to write a synopsis? If you don’t care, why should I? Really. I’m not kidding.

8. DON’T tell me to go online and look up your wildly successful name and book. Say what? Haven’t you been listening? I’m not kidding.

9. DON’T tell me how many wonderful reviews you’ve received without giving me evidence. You see these ears? All dry. And they’ve heard it all. Really. I’m not kidding.

10. DON’T baffle-gab me. What do I mean by that? Don’t try to sell me a lot of hype, smoke and mirrors. Just write honestly, professionally and I’ll respond in kind. Show me your very best, most polished and honest work. That’s all you need to do. Really. I’m not kidding.

ADDENDUM:
11. DON’T write back to the rejecting editor and slam them. (Heaves a weary sigh.) Really. I am most definitely not kidding.