Huge hype. Best-seller lists. Major motion picture. And for the life of me I cannot fathom why Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer is so widely acclaimed.

1. Meyer puts forward the scenario of obsessive love, that somehow it’s quite acceptable for an adolescent girl to fall in lust — erm, love — with a different species. Now, we’re not talking about different gender, race, or creed, all of which would be completely acceptable and ordinary in my very liberal mind. Nope, we’re talking about different species, and a species with which it is a danger for this adolescent girl to associate, a constant threat to her very existence. Given the dynamics of adolescence, the raging hormones, the predisposition to extremes of emotion, is it wise to encourage, even romanticise, obsessive love? Further, if you’re going to write about obsessive love, at least do it with panache, something that might go a level beyond what The Bard did with the immortal Romeo and Juliet. Meyer’s portrayal of obsessive love isn’t even particularly well told or original. By page 17, having already found those four grammatical errors, I’d already figured out the plot and denouement. (yawn)

2. Let us deal with the issue of stalking. Were this book written for an adult audience, I would have no problem at all having our erstwhile hero break into our heroine’s home, night after night, and watch her sleep. Equally, if the story had been intended for an adult audience, there would have been not an eyebrow raised at the fact our beautiful Edward follows the feisty and spoiled Bella around the small town of Forks, albeit her saviour from dastardly strangers intent on sexual harm. But this is a story for young people, ages 12 and up, and I’m not convinced romanticising this sort of behaviour, and further, presenting it as heroic, is exactly a healthy or sane type of literature to present to impressionable young women. Let it be understood I’m all for expanding horizons, presenting challenges both physical and intellectual, but I’m afraid this novel goes beyond the pale in its insidious acceptance of abnormal behaviour. And this doesn’t even begin to touch upon the acceptable use of deceit and dishonesty.
3. Meyer’s preoccupation with things beautiful presents a superficial and questionable reinforcement of a Western World obsession with physical beauty, an obsession that has girls as young as eight concerned about weight, physical appearance and sexuality. All that glitters is not gold. Indeed no. But in Meyer’s world those who are beautiful are noteworthy. People who drive fast and fast cars are somehow more attractive. Designer labels are desirable. Questionable standards, all.
4. And that brings me to plausibility. Quite beyond the fact we’re dealing with vampires, there are nuances in the story that shatter all credibility and render the story fatuous. For example, Bella’s father is the chief of police, allegedly on a modest income, living in a modest home. She, allegedly, is a whiz as a cook and very good about stretching a dollar and shopping. Why, then, on the very first outing for groceries do we read about her bringing home steak, potatoes and salad for dinner, not as a treat, but as regular fare? I wonder, does Stephenie Meyer shop for herself, and if so, does she have to calculate her expenditure based upon a modest income? Another point of plausibility is Bella’s father’s decision to purchase his daughter a beat-up old 1950s pickup. Just how economical, or safe, is that decision? Would that truck pass emissions testing? Would that truck get any sort of sensible gas mileage? And would a man who is the chief of police, and supposedly aware of safety and legal precautions, purchase for his daughter and old 1950s beater? Likely not.

5. One of my other objections, but by no means my last, to Meyer’s novel is her portrayal of vampires. In an effort to whitewash the mythical creatures, and make them more palatable and acceptable to 21st century sensibilities, Meyer’s has introduced us to ‘green’ vampires. Her vampires don’t feed on humans. Oh no. They feed on animals. But more, they are environmentally aware vampires who only feed in overpopulated areas, thereby offering environmentally sound animal husbandry.

Of course, all of these criticisms don’t even begin to encompass my frustration with Meyer’s writing style, which, to my taste, is stilted, amateurish, smacking of errors any novice would make. Were I the agent or editor who had received the original manuscript, I would have returned it as unpublishable (despite the current financial success of the saga) and have asked for a rewrite at best, at worst sent along a form rejection.

But, then, one would expect this reaction from me, as I seem to constantly fly in the face of popular opinion. I’m sure there will strong and hot objection to my crucifixion of this apparently beloved story. But for me, this is a forgettable tale, about forgettable characters, something not worthy of my cash or time.