Being the self-centred, avant-garde Evil Genius that I am, people, my priorities may seem a little out of whack to you peons. Be that as I may, at least I’m not a Republican and TOTALLY out of whack and out of touch with reality.

Let me make it quite clear that although I am all for World Domination, I’m only for it if I’m the one doing the dominating. Well, unless of course one of my minions is feeling all pumped up and frisky, and then it’s a different game altogether (one needing a ‘safe word’, baby!).

People, there’s Eeeeevil (me) and then there’s EVIL (darkness of soul), and I find for the first time evah that I am celebrating the defeat of EVIL at the hands of Good and Right and Liberty. No, they haven’t banned country music from the airwaves — the California Defence of Marriage Act was deemed unconstitutional and defeated. DOMA is down! Celebrating with rainbows of Skittles will commence immediately. Since I own the patent on Skittles, I expect to profit handsomely, too.

The remains of a literary critic who disagreed with me.

The other news worthy of my logging on from the Lair of Style, Grace, & Leather, is the release of our beautiful little A Method to the Madness: A Guide to the Super Evil. Yes, lesser ones, you now have hope beyond the mundane, boring, status quo life of beige you were destined to live from the moment you were conceived. You, too, can become a King or Queen of the World with the words of classic and timeless wisdom from me, in this collection from Five Rivers Publishing. Oh, there are other Eeevilish boys and girls involved in the project, but since I am Overlord, mine are the words which matter most. Deal with it, bee-otches.

The photo to the left is not a ‘selfie’, but rather what remains of a literary critic who forgot to mention either my name or my contribution to A Method to the Madness: A Guide to the Super Evil, the first and last word on Evil as a Lifestyle choice. She was lovely with sashimi and a lovely Niagara Peninsula spritzer. She was a hack and no one will miss her.

Some of you naive little beings have your hands over your crooked teeth and are taking a step back from the screen because who I am and what I believe in offends you. Don’t even think of playing the self-righteous card with moi. There’s a little evil in all of us. Don’t deny it. Maybe you got cut off in rush hour traffic in your lame little Prius today. Did you smile and wave and offer them a piece of Juicy Fruit, too? NO! You wanted to ram their vehicle with your own and shove them out of the way so you could continue along in your place in the lemming’s life you lead.

Or maybe you found an unauthorized charge on your Walmart card. Did you offer to pay for the offender’s family portrait next year, too? NO! (Stop cringing. It’s a sign of weakness!) You made a call and ranted and raved and denied that it had anything to do with you. You insisted that the charges be removed. Maybe you used a polite tone—after all, the call-centre staff didn’t steal from you—but what you wanted to do was access security video footage of the offender posing with their clan of amateurs, track them down, knee-cap them in front of their home, and then dare them to try it again. Yes, you did. If you deny it to me, then you’re denying it to yourself, and self-denial is the first step to a misfit life of mediocrity. Do you want to be mediocre? I didn’t think so. Buy A Method to the Madness: A Guide to the Super Evil and admit that you really want to rule the world and you need my help to do it. Go ahead. Click, order, wait, read, Rule. Or get the Kindle eBook edition and eliminate the waiting. Go from ho hum to BADUMBADUMBADUM in no time at all.

Have a truly Evil long weekend, and remember that there’s a little darkness in all of us, and that’s where the fun begins.

Ciao bellas!
Dr. Markus Mefistofoleez

(This message has been paid for with funds redirected from Bernie Madhoff when his back was turned and Donald Trump when his horrendous faux cheveux fell onto the trading floor and emptied out the NY Stock Exchange. Amateurs, both.)